Blame

A descent in the dark, Pinnacle Lake trail, 2024

Some things have been contemplating about BLAME as I work this piece.

Blame seems to maintain the wish for someone or something to change what happened to us--as if an external force will come and remove the pain we feel as a result of a blame-worthy event. But, a wish is just that. We can't change the things that happened. We can't change the people that hurt us. No matter what is said, begged, yelled, they may never apologize. And if they did, would it be forgiven? Could I let go of the blame?

It seems that to move forward, we must accept that the person we are seeking to forgive won't apologize. Won't change. We ruminate, protest, argue, justify. We might maintain contact with an abuser in hopes they will accept blame and release us from this injustice because if they aren't to blame, then maybe that means that I am. We try every way to show and tell them how much they hurt us in hopes they will validate our existence as a victim.

What if we choose to accept that the change we wish for can't come, and create a life based on that fact? How would it feel to accept that we don't have CONTROL? The abuser is abusive, the society is oppressive, the loved one isn't giving up their addiction, the boss isn't seeing our potential, the government isn't saving you from poverty. Would it feel helpless, powerless, or can I empower myself to create my own change within the context of the facts, rather than my wishes?

In my example of abuse, healing blame might look like acknowledging that they are toxic, have been toxic, and, because we can't change people, may always be toxic. Can we move forward by accepting that fact? Moving forward may look like setting boundaries, grey rock method, cut them off, etc.

In the context of blaming a boss for not giving a requested raise, healing blame may look like accepting "they may never see my potential," and moving forward with that. We can feel sad and wish they would, or we can find a boss who values the work we do.